Bucket

Desi...

There's a girl I met about a month ago. She was extremely my type; LEGAL, plump but not fat with a macabre sense of humor. She had gorgeous blonde hair and was musically talented (she was the guitarist in an all-chick metal band with her sister). In fact, that's how we met. My band played a show with hers. I hadn't gotten to know her very well but, as I'm recently single, I really wanted to. She seemed exactly what the doctor ordered. I became pals with her sister as well. In fact we message each other on a daily basis. I was going to ask her sister out on a date at their next show. But then...

Today I found out that she died. I haven't found out why or how. Her sister wasn't really ready to talk about it, and I sure as hell wasn't about to push the issue. But I made sure she knew to call if she needed anything.

She was just 18 years old and on a solid track to fulfilling her dreams. I feel so horribly for her family. NOBODY should have to bury their child. What a tragedy.
Bucket

Understanding

Sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. Like my friends, I know they care, but if you asked them what was going on in my head, they wouldn't have a clue.

My girlfriend, pft.... it seems like we're two strangers trying to figure each other out, but words just aren't doing the trick. It's strange how delusional we get in relationships about the wants and needs of the people we care for.

A relationship is NOT two people hurting each other again and again until they're permanently emotionally indebted to each other. Yes, we hurt the people we love. In fact, they're the ones we hurt the most. But in the end you only hurt yourself, and it's forgiveness and caring that move things forward. It only works if you forgive yourself too.

It's almost like she feels like she doesn't deserve to be with me, so she's just pushing and pushing until I break up with her so that she can say she was right. So she can have that victory... it's nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. We're such different people.

I've kept myself in such disrepair here, being with her. It's so unhealthy for me. But I keep on going. Why am I so fucking stupid? I mean, I'm not trying to get down on myself, but I know this has been a decision that was bad for me, but I kept going with it. Maybe I wanted to prove myself wrong. For a long time it was amazing. It was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier. But she just holds herself down, and resents me instead of accepting me.

To quote one of my favorite bands, Nonpoint:

I'll take back what is left of what you've had; barely enough to keep me dead.

Tell me how to make some sense of the mess you left me with. You used up every
chance with me. To settle for you won't settle for me.

This need for more has me cold and shaky. No more waiting for a reaction face
when they hear about the trouble that started when you and i met. Let me
remind you I plan to get through with or without you.


My emotions unleashed:

I miss how you used to look up to me... I felt admired. Such a rare sensation for me. Instead, now I feel resentment. I feel the weight of your ego clawing at me, because you want to drag me down. Because I'm no fun. Because I enjoy silence and solitude. Because I'm a perfectionist. Because you're the only one I let inside, to see everything that's ugly inside of me. And for a time, you loved me. But now I think you just hold on for the sake of holding on, and you just want me to be the one to end it. I feel like you're going to drag this out, just twisting the knife deeper with every turn until you've bled me of all compassion and caring. And then when there's nothing left of me but a foul, bitter, broken person... that's when you'll be happy.

Does it make you happy to put me in this hell? Does that give you some kind of satisfaction? How do you think it would feel to have the person you love tell you that everything you are, everything you have been... that you yourself are like a poison to them? A constant reminder of failure and inadequacy? If you want to go, then just go. Just fucking go and don't bother coming back unless you can figure out how to put your delusions behind you because I'm really fucking sick of it.

If you love me, then LOVE ME and stop throwing this petty shit in the way. I don't understand it? Why is it so hard for you? Why do we feel so different? Why do we see everything so differently? Why is it always a contest with you?

Are you just testing how much shit I'll put up with? Because I've put up with so much. SO MUCH. And I don't hold it over your head like you think I do. I don't rub it in your face. Maybe I should. Fuck it! You seem to think I'm so perfect, like I'm not a person. As if I'm some kind of statue or robot, un-faultering, without needs and desires. A machine that works, eats and fucks and you're just along for a ride. That's not me! Why are you so blind to what I am?

I'm choc-full of mistakes, flaws, bad decisions and general stupidity. But it's like you don't see any of that. Even worse, what you DO see, you resent. You hold it against me that I'm smarter, quicker, and more successful than you are. Well guess what? I've had a few years extra on top of a very supportive upbringing to get there. And I'm sorry that your parents were shit to you, but that's not my fault. I've tried to be nothing but good to you, and you just keep kicking it back in my face. And I've tried to do nothing but support you, and drive you to succeed, and inspire you and help you, but you take it all the wrong way. I bought you a bass because I wanted to see you dig into something you love. I wanted to see you follow a passion, but instead you think I'm buying an insurance policy to keep you around.

I can't just keep eating this. I can't take it over and over again. I am going to break because you're so intent on getting me there. I feel like you're so fucking determined to push me to the end of my rope so you can rub it in my face when I snap. That's how I feel. And I'm fighting so hard to keep you from having that satisfaction, because I want to show you how real love is... it forgives, and it moves forward... together in happiness.

And I'm sorry I don't understand like I should. I'm sorry I'm not the same as you. I'm sorry that I don't like the same things you do. You just need to tell me when things are important to you, because obviously I don't seem to know... I just don't know anymore. I don't understand how you can be jealous of something you're a part of. Because you're so much to me, whether you care to admit it or not.

When you come back from Chicago, if things aren't different, it's over. Don't take it as a threat. If you'd rather not even try, then I'll let that be your decision. I know you won't do that, because you don't make decisions. You just push my buttons until I do it for you.

John Mayer - Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you'll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just to hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Bucket

Oy... it's been a long time. So here's an emo blog for you.

I moved back in with my mother after having been out of work for a while and selling things in order to pay my rent to Cole.

This was officially the worst mistake ever. I regret ever letting that bitch convince me there would be any benefit to this. I'd have been better off not being able to afford gas and selling a guitar for a bus pass so I could get to and from work.

Every single day there is this bullshit to deal with and I'm sick of it. I really am. I'm getting no real break on rent like I was promised. So I ended up paying money to Cole to settle things there because I am a nice guy, and I am paying almost as much in rent as I was to him. So I ended up paying rent on two places, yet I'm only living in one. The free food would be nice except there's not much of it. Most of my food needs are met by the cafeteria at work. What's not provided often times comes with the treachery of dining with my mother.

Every conversation is like an easter basket full of sarcastic commentary on my life and decisions and reminders of why I feel like a failure wrapped up in shiny foil made of passive-agressive bullshit from an aging woman desperate for someone to throw her emotional weight around on. It is very much a loathing that I feel sinking inside me and it's completely indistinguishable if it's directed outward or inward.

I used to want to leave. Just walk away from my life completely. But no, I don't want that. I just want to be happy with my life. Is it so bad to want to wake up each day and feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Because each day goes by and I feel like this emotional baggage I've created for myself is just holding me down and giving me every assurance that I'll never reach that end.

I know that 1: I am responsible for my situation and that I can fix it, 2: most of this is all just irrational babble in my head which is loosely based on a slightly rough but ultimately insignificant portion of my life.

Maybe I should be seeing a shrink. Outside perspective is good, and I'm generally quite receptive to it. Even when I really need the support, I get comments that really sting (not that I should even ALLOW it to bother me, but it does). For example, I am plotting to get the hell out of here and move in with my best friend John. We're discussing the logistics of what we can afford and when we can afford it. I get a call and someone asks me what I'm doing, so I tell her I'm talking with John about moving out and I get the response "Why don't you stop just talking about it and actually do it?"

I've gotten two paychecks. And with my situation as it was, both are completely gone, with nothing saved over because I've been hit with shit that I was NOT expecting. Even so, I know I'll come out of this okay. I just have to not spend anything outside of what is absolutely necessary. Even with that, I'm going to have to take time off from work this weekend to get We Are They in the can. I hate this last minute rush stuff. I don't know how it's going to affect my overtime that I've put in so far this week.

I guess I'll do what I can to help out the rest of the week. So if I work with you, I'll probably be sick on Friday and Sunday. If nothing else, I can guarantee I'll be feeling like shit while not there. That counts as sick, right? I hate flaking out on work. But I've got to get this done.

Okay, I'm done with this emotional psycho-babble bullshit. I wish I found substance abuse more appealing, yet somehow it really isn't. Otherwise I'd be swimming in something that fucks you up real good.
  • Current Music
    Opeth; fantastic for feeling like shit to
Bucket

C'mon, show some love.

Hey everybody! You need to come out and join me this weekend and show some love for We Are They (and me by proxy). This is pretty much a CD release party and they're going to rock all 10 songs from the album and maybe even some new material.

Hosted By:
We Are They

When:
Sunday Jul 09, 2006 @ 6:30 PM

Where:
Brickhouse
1 E. Jackson
Phoenix, AZ 85004

They have tickets available now for the show this Sunday. Contact any band member or just message them and they'll get the tickets to you. There will be five other bands there as well, so the show is really going to rock! It is only $8 in advance, $10 at the door! Anyone who buys 5 tickets in advance gets a free CD.

Check 'em out or get in touch with the band or their manager at Official WAT MySpace or the We Are They Website. Show some love because this was a labor of love. So come out, have a good time, buy a CD, and if you're a cute girl you can hang all over me, k?
Bucket

Misogynist much?

So, I'm slowly but surely growing to hate females more and more. I don't know if it's just that I'm becomming more of a self-serving bastard (because that's surely the case in some ways), but I just keep finding myself more and more disinterested in getting personally involved with girls.

My views on things really have changed lately. I no longer desire to be married any time in the forseeable future. I no longer want to have kids in the forseeable future. I don't even want to have a girlfriend move in with me! I just want to live all alone. And when there's something that I don't like I'll change it. Nobody to run it past, nobody to give their opinion on it; no. Fuck 'em all.

Sex is a stupid reason to be involved with someone. Love is a stupid reason as well. You know how you think you're in love now, and you thought you were in love when you were 15? Think of how different things were to you then. That's how your dumb ass is going to look at yourself when you're 30. Sure, it CAN work. But why? Live your life and go for your goals! Don't get bogged down in somebody else's troubles.

I'm making no sense. I suppose I should back up.

I've made a decision to worry about myself from now on. Not to worry about girls or other distractions. I'm planning for my future and taking steps and making sacrifices to get me to where I want to be in life. Anything that isn't in that picture I am not letting in. No girlfriends, no kids, no marriage, no 'lets move in together'... No. I'm going to live my life for ME because nobody else is going to live it for me.

I'm so tired of wasting my emotional energy in bad investments. You put part of yourself into someone else and they chew it up and spit it out. Part of me even wants to sink to that level, but there's no need to degrade myself just because there are a lot of women out there spreading a bad reputation.

I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of failure. I'm tired of my life and some things need to change.

I've been out of work for about 6 weeks. I just finished my first week at the new job. In the meantime I had to sell a bunch of gear. Not happy about it. In fact, I'm in the red right now because I decided to honor my word and stay the 3rd month with Cole and Max (my roommates) even though I never signed a contract and could have moved back home for free. I've decided my word only has value if I back it up. I am in complete control of who I am and what I create.

Along with this and a few negative experiences is this bubbling misogyny inside of me. I know, not all girls are attention-seeking gold digging whores. But a lot are as well. And frankly I'm tired of gambling at that table. I'm going to put my resources into something where I can feel productive and proud of myself. I'll come back to this table when the time is right. Until then, I'm really not interested in relationships. It's a distraction. Fuck it.

Alright... I'm done here. I'm alive. Working for a great company now; I've finally got a good job with good pay and excellent benefits. I'm going to succeed.
Bucket

No motivation to update

There's so much shit going on, I really don't have the time to be an LJ whore like I used to be. lol

So lets see... the vacations were a hit. Sevendust is the coolest bunch of guys ever. I went to an afterparty after the show in Hollywood and hung out with the guys from Nonpoint, Sevendust, and Seven, the drummer from Opiate for the Masses. Eddie Van Halen was there. He was an asshole. Oh well. I met a beautiful girl named Sandy and we traded emails/myspaces. T'was good.

I'm making an album for We Are They right now. Here's a 30 sec clip of a rough mix for your listening enjoyment. I think it's the best sounding thing I've made to date.

In other news, pending some good luck, I might be able to quit my job soon!!! My classmate Jake from the Conservatory let me know that Herberger Theatre is hiring a sound man for their stage west. It pays actually a little more than my current job, and is through the City of Phoenix so I'm sure it's got some good benefits. And did I mention it's a day job doing something I love?

So I'm hopeful. Wish me luck. Aside from that, I'm busy with work, We Are They, and spending money on gear. x.x
Bucket

Fuckin' shit..... :(

I dunno what the fuck is up with this bullshit.

I planned this vacation out months ago and it seems to have all gone to hell. Dora's got some junk going on, my job fucked up with my time off so now I'm in trouble there, and to top all that shit off, last night we drove 2 hours to go see Buckethead only to find out that despite the lack of a disclaimer ANYWHERE on the fucking website that the show was, in fact, 21 and over.

So that was a wasted drive. And her other friends there that we were gonna party with instead didn't call. So we were pretty pissed about that.

I mean, fuckleberries. I'm still glad that I came because it was really good to get to hang out with Dora. I got to meet her awesome friends and we went to San Fran and had a good time. But we both got hit with a bunch of crap that threw us into a slump. :(

Anyway, yeah... I'm tired. I want to go home. I want to see Buckethead and get buzzed and get a blowjob. Is that so much to ask for in life? Okay, so the first two I can do. I'm still bummed because Dora was so excited to see him. That was our big 'other shit sucks but at least we have this' event. Instead we ate greasy Carrow's food that made weird noises come from my stomach the rest of the night.

I want to go home. I want to quit my job. I want to make enough money as an engineer to support myself. I want a massage. I want to win the lotto. I feel like a loser.

I do believe that I might have a car now. A '91 Ford Escort wagon with only 14,000 miles on it. AC is non-functional, but I've got a few months to get that taken care of. Then again, I may not. We'll see. *news flash* I DO have the car. My insurance cost has been cut in half. Yay!

Why does my work have to fuck me over after all the hours I've put in there? Fuck me in the goat ass. I want to make We Are They's album. Like... now. I want to relax at home. I want to sit in my shitty computer chair and edit audio. I want to delude myself into dreams of a successful future and lose myself in some music. What a fucking emo entry. Oh well. Ta da. It's over. I'm going home soon. I can't wait for Dora to come visit AZ though. Tucson here we come!

  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed
Bucket

Services now available

Ladies and gents, the new gear is in. So at this point, I'm fully operational.

Tarktones Audio

I've got the new mix engine and some new plugins. While I still have a few more pieces of software I want to add to my arsenal, at this point I'm fully capable to tackle pretty much any mix or mastering project. These new SSL plugins from Waves are just sick.

Since I'm a nobody my rates are pretty low and for long distance customers, I have an FTP server that I can give you a login for so you can upload your raw files to me. Rates are flexible and turnaround is pretty quick.

I'm also more than happy to work up some mastering samples for anyone interested in seeing what I might be able to do for their music.